Note to Steven Spielberg and George Lucas: Your movie title is WAAAAAAYYYY too long and not very good. 9 words! Granted Raiders is also 9 words but that's just it...people call it Raiders all the time. No one is going to say "Kingdom" or "Crystal Skull". Even though you are now both disgustingly rich we still expect you to keep the bar high, make better choices please. If I had my way, I would name this film Indiana Jones and the Aliens. Aliens you say? Yes. We'll come back to that later.
Secondly, why begin your 4th installment of beloved Indy's story with a CG prairie dog? Did you not learn anything from Jar Jar? The CG creatures that were featured throughout this film were unnecessary (well, except for the ants as they actually did serve a purpose to move the narrative forward) and rather cartoony. Not a good move.
Okay, now that we have that out of the way let's talk about more important items. Like - how come Harrison Ford has to age? I want to keep him in an age-free bubble where he will forever be youthful and vibrant. Alas, he's in his 60s now and sadly he looks even older (Calista Flockhart at 22 years younger than Harrison is clearly no shot of collagen the way Ashton Kutcher who at 16 years younger than Demi has kept her looking even better with age - just like a fine wine or good cheese).
Now back to the aliens. WTF? Indy and the crystal skulled aliens are you kidding me? It's the most absurd storyline, really. Let's take it from the top.
Things I expect from an Indiana Jones movie:
1) Harrison Ford - check
2) Good cheesy punch lines - umm, there were a few decent ones but I nearly turned off my DVD when Indy said "I have a bad feeling about this". THIS ISN'T STAR WARS! What were you people thinking? It's not funny to have the same actor utter the same lines in a different film franchise 30 years later. Not clever. Not cute. Not nostalgic. Not ironic. Not anything. Sorry.
3) Indy's hat - check
4) Beautiful and feisty love interest - Karen Allen as the tough chick Marion Ravenwood once more. Sorry, it just didn't work - she's like a soccer mom now - I just didn't buy it
5) Memorable villain - Cate Blanchette as Irina Spalko - your thick accent was a tad, how do you say, unbelievable. I love you Cate but this wasn't a good choice for you.
6) John Williams soundtrack - check - sad though, he could have composed this in his sleep - just rehashed tons of themes from past Indy movies - yawn - nice job on the Inaugural composition though John.
7) Snakes & other creepy crawlies - Very nice use of the snake - I liked that part a great deal but the massive ant hill? This was a little bit beyond the icky gross "eww" factor of the bugs, rats, and snakes from the film's predecessors. The ants' victims were subsequently devoured and taken below ground in a disgusting cloud of ants - a little too nasty perhaps? It's not chilled monkey brains afterall. At least that was kind of funny.
8) Sidekick - Shia LaBeouf - Sorry but no. I don't even think I can elaborate further on this point.
9) Good chase scene - sword-fighting on jeeps through the Amazon jungle? TERRIBLE IDEA!
10) Strange unexplainable powers - back to the aliens. Please don't make another Indiana Jones movie guys. You'll ruin the 3 good ones you have.
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